Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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