I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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