so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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