Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
