Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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