hotel room ftw
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
