can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
