dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
