mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
