I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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