He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
