My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize