Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
