Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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