He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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