I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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