Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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