Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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