If i come over, it means nothing
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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