I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
