Where is the hickey?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
