i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
