Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
