i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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