I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
