dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
