How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
