i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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