she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
