You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
