my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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