theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
