i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
