farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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