She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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