she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
