So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
