Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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