I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
