I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize