I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
