She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Semen is not good for contacts.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
