No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
