I could have mohawked her pubes.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
