Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
