I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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