ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize