I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm too high and old for this...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
