when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
