This is not my ceiling
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Randomize
