god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
