if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
