I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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