I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have feelings that need drinking.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
