Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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