Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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