I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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