Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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