the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
