So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
