This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
