You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
