Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
