I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The uberlube is also flammable
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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