he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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