i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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