i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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