There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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