porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she told me i tasted like america
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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