Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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